The finish line

The strange feeling in life when you think you could do something that you never thought of or never wanted to do.

My life seeks the end; I do not want to travel through the tunnel to see the light. I want to see the light already, there is sometimes (many times) easy way to situations. No circumstance is difficult only you make the wrong choice when the opportunity came your way.

Some give up on life for not getting what they wanted; there are some who give up because they have all they wanted, they miss the challenges in life. They lose themselves in a life so high suddenly it won’t make sense. The reason - confusion. There are some though who give up for others because the situation is too tough for them to handle along with their loved ones. When they know failure is to show its face, the easy choice - give up.

It’s sensitive to think of the third kind I mentioned. They become liberal when the burden over their shoulder dies which doesn’t mean they could kill but to give up oneself. These are emotional people who cannot see their loved ones go through pain. They cannot let their loved one suffer for a decision made. It’s a difficult spot I should say. I cannot exactly tell that this would mean getting an easy way out, only the purpose becomes "others", "loved ones".

Life is full of surprises they say but what if one of them becomes a little unlucky when showing up? What happens when you have done something can cause the entire chain than just you? In the modern world, nothing is wrong, every wrong can be undone. Hear it from reality, even if the wrongs can be made right, will your world react to you the way it used to? Will they judge you now for your life?

The guilt - heart can ruin all your plans. One says, listen to the mind for it doesn’t talk to you emotionally but when your thought includes another person, the heart takes its own course. I have been thinking with my brain turned inside-out.

I want to give up. Many times, I think how the world will be without me. A few calls, sorry (s) messages, a few updates after all this, the missing person won’t be remembered anymore. Maybe a few conversations can reflect the missing component but otherwise, it’s gone. The human race can adapt which is the biggest advantage and disadvantage.

If love leaves, they think, yearn, and cry. Only after a few weeks, months, years, life has to "move-on". It is practical. When I am gone unless I return a ghost, life has to move on. Probably I will be moving on accepting that I chose to give up and I did.

I settle down looking at a nail polish bottle, the color so bright. I loved it. Some things do not have to change. I close my eyes so tight and gulp the liquid. I open my eyes, I don’t feel any different. I was still alive. I clean the place, probably thinking it was not my turn to go. I close my eyes, go to a sleep wishing that there will be no tomorrow.

I close my eyes, thinking. How it will be tomorrow when I will not wake up to the alarm that always shocks me in the morning. How I will miss looking at my family while sitting in between them. How I will miss what I had planned to do with my life before the shot. It is emotional, I try to sleep. Trying to relax my body.

I wake up in the middle of the night. I wonder if it was a dream, my heart beating so fast. I decided the liquid is not harmful after all. I take a glass of water. Calm myself. I go back to the bed crying. What have I done? What if I won’t wake up after all?

Bright lights hurt my eyes. I shouldn’t have given up I tell over and over again. I can’t see clearly. I feel very light suddenly. I am standing against the wall. I could see all my friends around me, my family crying. I lie there stern faced.

My father standing in front of me, says “You shouldn’t have”

I shouldn’t have I tell myself again.